Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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