got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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