One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
