Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just found puke in my bra..
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
