God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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