Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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