You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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