Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
