Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
