I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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