Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
