Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
