You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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