not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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