Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
