Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
