I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
