I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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