I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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