I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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