I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My vagina is very pro this idea
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