Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
