Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
