it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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