Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
