i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
