it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
