So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
