So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I could fuck to npr.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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