I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
