i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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