Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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