I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
sarcasm needs its own font
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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