Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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