so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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