The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
