What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize