Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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