I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
