but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize