Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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