well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
