can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
