In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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