So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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