He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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