My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
