So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
