The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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