You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How does one acquire holy water?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
