he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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