Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize