I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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