I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
