He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
