i just had sex bonerless
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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