There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
