I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
