Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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