My hand turned me down
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
