Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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